Some clubs – indeed, some counties – still have quaint awards at their presentation ceremonies. For example, worst white or best gold, harking back to the days when archery really was a hit and miss affair (it still is? Sorry.)
I think it’s time to add a few more categories in recognition of the rich and varied assortment of shooting styles:
LOOSE CATEGORY:
Worst forward loose. (‘Catch me if you can.’)
Best static loose. (Corpse-like.)
Best flyaway loose. (As if waving goodbye to the arrow.)
Best fake loose. (Backward movement when the string has already left the fingers.)
WORST STANCE CATEGORY:
The splits. (Wide enough to affect sight setting.)
The twist. (Enough to put the archer in traction when used sufficiently often.)
The tiptoe. (For the archer who appears to be looking for a lost arrow before it’s even shot.)
The knee sag. (Dejection as body language.)
The misalignment. (Body line going the wrong way, at least three targets to the right for right-handers.)
The forward bend. (Appears to be leaning over a fence to shoot.)
The Cupid. (Shoots entirely off the front foot.)
WORST FRONT SHOULDER/and or BOW ARM CATEGORY:
Best hunched shoulder. (Enough to interfere with forward vision.)
Best front arm collapse. (Lower bow limb strikes front foot.)
Best bent arm. (Bent enough to cope with a ten inch long arrow.)
Best sideways throw. (Enough to threaten the archer next in line with concussion.)
Best inward throw. (Comparable to a Ricky Hatton knock-out punch.)
WORST BOW REACTION CATEGORY:
Best forward spin. (Rated at almost complete rotation of the bow, with long rod contact with some part of the body.)
LONGEST HOLD ON AIM CATEGORY:
Best single breath hold causing red mist to appear, necessitating oxygen mask.
Best breathing hold, with a minimum of four breathing episodes prior to shot.
Best non-shooting thought narrative, (working out yesterday’s travel expenses or developing a short story structure.)
Best thought form. (Minimum 24-point shooting sequence, from foot position to shooting arm elbow position, including a short prayer for accuracy.)
Best statue imitation, long enough to attract butterflies or other insects to settle on bow arm, or to attract pigeon droppings.
WORST EQUIPMENT CONDITION:
Oldest string. (Minimum three years, with whisker count as final decider.)
Worst fletchings. (Loose, damaged, misaligned, stuck on with saliva.)
Most bow riser dings. (Minimum ten, decider to be most attempts at covering with mismatched paint spray.)
Most bow limb marks and glass or carbon fibre splits. (Decider to be on the most buddy tape used.)
Worst arrow spin test. (Decided by the arrow that bounces rather than vibrates.)
Worst nocks. (Judged on alignment, looseness and teeth marks.)
Note: All awards to be made by club or county coaches in recognition of their complete failure to spot the various faults.